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Odds 6-1

Over-educated playboy. Hushed-up bastard son of the Marquis of Argyll and a Marrakesh croupier. A succession of sadistic private schools from Saudi Arabia to Switzerland failed to quell his provocateur nature. Indeed, they only fuelled his need for brilliant revenge. Brief spells at Sandringham and Oxford, where he was rusticated for "buggery during core hours". Resisting a career on Wall Street, he maintains his fortune as an arms broker and money launderer and has turned to an open pursuit of ever-more-dangerous pleasures to satisfy his restless nature. In a car-park in Rimini, he updates his cunningly lo-fi website via WAP phone from the back seat of his Porsche, whilst waiting for his cocaine dealer. Reason: To swindle the British music industry out a six figure advance for a fake band.

Odds 15-1

Repressed and anxious bedsit recluse. Scratches his remaining tufts of hair whilst reading last years newspapers. Cannot meet his own sad, empty eyes in the mirror. Strung out on painkillers, he braves daylight only to visit the local Londis in his Gulf War flak-jacket. In the park, he believes he enchants children with his magical stories. Actually they are too terrified to move or breathe. Wanders home across Archway's notorious Suicide Bridge, which whispers to him softly "Jump. Do it. Smack the tarmac below like a messy red 'Fuck Off' to this shitty world and all its bollocks. Do it. DO IT." Reason: Cry for help.

Odds 3-1 Favourite

Music industry cop posing as an artschool punk MP3 bandit. Whilst downloading any one of his tracks, the recipient hard drive is scanned for illegally held copyright material. A father of two, he lives in Cheam. Reason: Killjoy.