Continued from Page One The world was reeling today in the bloody aftermath of the worst mass slaying by a whale ever seen on land. At 6.30 last night, as darkness fell, an enormous killer whale surfaced off the Atlantic coast of Britain and proceded to massacre the music industry for it's own sadistic pleasure. Soft southern industry facia Westlife were the first to feel it's wrath. The whale pursued them down the corridor of the Our Price head offices where they were discussing a free product deal for their next Christmas smash. Eyewitnesses said the carnage was relentless and ferocious. "Pointless and cowardly", said one, "Westlife are an inspiration to millions."

Westlife - left yelping like so many clubbed baby seals

The Physical Impossibility Of Death In The Mind Of Someone Living - "sod"

Ricky Martin was bitten in two. Make-up assistant and survivor Barbarella Chomsky told us between sobs, "It was awful. I'd just finished spraying a third coat over Ricky's pock marks when it happened. As the whale crunched insanely through Ricky's major vertebrae, his legs and bonbon stopped twitching grotesquely. For good."

Martin - twitching grotesquely

Daddy - large vagina

Electronic folk artist and survivor Momus reported, "I stunned the whale by suggesting that it's wrath may be compelled less by autonomy and universal self-management vis a vis the emancipation of individual or collective desires than a proto Calvinistic need for a transcendent value system. Therefore not seditionary at all but wholly rooted in the dominant culture. I suggested it brush up on it's Theodore Adorno and Mao, hopped on my scooter and had sushi."

A packed party in Bel Air provided easy pickings for the whale. We asked Sgt Flannery Natividad of the LAPD to describe the scene. "Well there's a six foot two vagina in a bathtub full of tinned kidney bean drainage that used to be Puff Daddy. And it looks like someone packed a circus cannon full of sausage meat and blew the garage door off with it. That may be Shania Twain." Nothing could prepare him, however, for the ticker-stopping horrorshow waiting in the Christina Aguilera room. Her upturned head was found still swinging from a light bulb by a knotted rope of spinal chord, the once-white room coated in a thick red mist, a pitiful Jackson Pollock of slashed artery, mashed bone and rabid whale bile. Dangerously unhinged free spirits Slipknot's senior accountant, Maxon Raffles, said, "There's no denying this comes at a bad time. The guys had just finished putting bleeps onto their radio edits when this fucking great thing came in the window and had Corey's legs off. But we've talked it over and agree that pushing himself around stage on skateboard may boost the act's profile sufficiently to recoup in the second quarter 01."

Twain - simply sausages

Trux - "likes"

Momus- Calvinist sushi

From intensive care Poptones PLC supremo Alan McGee was able to scrawl,"It was like being hit by a cross between Psycho by The Sonics made flesh and a busload of Rangers fans on PCP. Magic!" Survivors Royal Trux said, "It likes us" and Damien Hirst from Fat Les, who didn't qualify, said, "I did big fish ages ago. Sod." Other survivors include Chan Marshall, some of All Saints, Lisa Lopez and a late 1960s Francoise Hardy. "Strangely we were all in a rehearsal room together. My, it was hot in there. So we slowly starting undressing one another in front of full length mirrors. Posing and playful massage gave way to gentle nuzzling as we led each other over to a revolving bed festooned in sex toys. But when we spotted the whale through the window it swam off." At time of going to press, up and coming bands were being air-lifted to safety.

Aguilera - Alexander Calder via Pollock

Lopez - pyromaniac nuzzling

Slipknot - professional act

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