Report by Tod Bisto, Abel Stuffing and Yitzhak Sprinkle

The Light's On: The Large Edifice Formerly Known As City Hall

Peace reigns supreme. As reported earlier this week,  Northern Ireland was officially declared the world's first secular post-modern state. Now referred to as "Untitled Interzone" and with a laissez-faire approach to law, an open-door policy on immigration and a liberal attitude to pleasure, it is also the world's most attractive tax haven rendering all work unnecessary and universal empathy and intellectual play the only rationale.

Yesterday we printed pictures of the smart new transparent flag and today, it was announced, we have a new national anthem - "Gas Mask" by The Dog And Pony Show.

Art and media svengalis M&C Saatchi, who flew in to turn on the illuminations and unveil a 'community sculpture' made from old car-bomb robots said, "Good choice. Spotting a copy of 'Ben is Dead' fanzine on page 47 of Matt Colling's Blimey! is persuading people to quit art and make music again."

Charles & Maurice Saatchi: "Ben Is Dead"

But surely a work whose refrain is "I wish this was Germany" is an odd song to sing in any territory, except perhaps Germany. And even then, only by the surreal or very drunk?

Martin McGuinness: "It's the skewered humour that's so clearly Hibernian." Jeffrey Donaldson: "Nonsense. The intricate, hard-working guitar is blatantly old-school Huguenot." Martin McGuinness: "Che Funk. " Jeffrey Donaldson: "Settler-core."

Donaldson: "Pharcyde. Early Shellac"

McGuinness: "The Fugs. Bit of Aphex"

But on the streets, where genre and counter-genre matter little; and where overloaded hot media and cooler abstraction mingle and flutter about the alleyways like the laughter of petrol-huffing children, all creeds were united. In hope and in song.

All together now. In Germany.

The Dog And Pony Show website is a satirical magazine designed to render The Dog and Pony Show music, which is the contrary, unmarketable. No-one featured ever said anything of the sort. The Dog And Pony Show will be back in 2001 with a collection of songs and some live revues. Warmest seasonal greetings.

"It's behind you!" Professor Noam Chomsky as 'Thinky' in Andrea Corr's Snow White And The Seven Models For Class War Activism

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