Dec: "The Artist Most Likely To Make Us Look Not Fixed is a unique award here at the Brits. We scour the non-trade magazines with bewilderment and hastily pick a 'critically acclaimed' waster to slouch up to the podium. We then smile through gritted teeth and guess whether they'll mope, snarl, talk weird, turn aggressive or introverted-verging-on-autistic, stoned or just BPI-pencil-snappingly unexcited. This only lasts a short time and, once they've been whisked off, we can all breath easily and settle back to appease Pete Waterman's demands by inventing ever-more-ludicrous categories for Steps to win. Anthony, the envelope please."

Ant: "And the winner is..oops..we seem to have a slight hitch..bear with me..(CHUFFING ENVELOPE'S EMPTY, DEC)..(SHITE)..ha ha..I've just heard from the producer that it was impossible to..er..find someone this year. But Euan Blair has agreed to run up to collect the prize on behalf of the..spirit..of the award."

Euan Blair: "Yaaaaay. (cough) Yaay. This one's for all the refugees. Drop everything and fuck in the streets, ya feel me? Free Myra Hindley. The sun machine is coming down and we're gonna have a party. Tune in, turn on, Aerosmith rules. A cup of tea is bigger than Jesus. Drugs are like fisting Norman Lamont. Free all the starving babies. Praise B 2 President Abdurrahman Wahid, maaaaa.." (collapses)

Ant: "(THANK FRIG THAT'S DONE). Right, then. And the nominations for Smoothest Costume Change By A Live Mixed Sex Pop Quintet are..Steps..Wagon Christ.."