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| Love In The Paranoid Generation Right now I feel like pulling my brain out through my ear with a stick and waving it around on some voyeuristic pay-per-view channel called "Big Sister". Hey, maybe I should pitch it to Sky TV. The Dog And Pony Show is about as honest an expression of feeling as I can possibly give the world, regardless of anything. Naive? Possibly. Romantic? Unfortunately. Now that there are people listening to my music, I had a panic attack thinking "Fucking hell, I'd better get a band together quick and get on stage", but I didn't. I sat down and started writing more songs. What gives, Tony Soprano? If anything. I've decided to crawl onto the couch and evaluate. What gives? If anything. Aside from the obvious fact that the net is a bigger stage than any venue, radio or TV station, it's a love thing. I Learned To Love From My Big Sister It was great. Perfect, in fact. It was like a tab of Ecstacy. A non-sexual rush of love for another person, and an acceptance that they loved me. All we were doing was eating a burger after seeing "Gremlins" or something. I made her laugh. She told me stories. I was a boy with a boys perspective. She was a girl and completely cool. She wasn't my parents. I didn't have to do what she told me, but she still represented security in a way. I wasn't a doll for some love instinct. I talked back. It was somehow a very nice equal thing. Big Sister Lovers Girls, women I stay with are always somehow slightly ahead of me. They're always an inch richer or classier or wiser or more cultured or sorted in the head or something. I like it. I'm not a masochist or a worm or anything. I'm the captain of my ship. But it's her ocean. Creative Big Sisters Creatively I always have one eye on Big Sisters. Writers. Singers. Women and even guys whose creative work I think is better than mine become Big Sisters. What love would I feel for an audience looking up at me like some sort of God? Not a jot. I'm writing for Big Sister. I'd end up being Kurt Cobain and that would turn her into Courtney Love. Little Sisters Little Sisters make me feel like Big Brother. They are rare and powerful. Sometimes I think that this is what I need to learn to climb out of the Bunker and fly all the way onto TV. Imagine that! Wouldn't that be something? But the more I watch TV these days, the more I see it as some idiot dancing chimp in the corner of the room pleading for my approval and five more minutes of my vision. TV and it's stars get less important every day. Hillbilly Heaven It's Freudian but not a nightmare. I've no great need to flatter mom or usurp dad. No great need to bond with bro'. I'm just in hillbilly heaven - penetrating Big Sister Internet to praise Big Sister God and tell her that I really do love her and I'll always be her kid brother but to stop huffing and freaking and making me seasick and let's go get a baked potato. Or that I get scared too sometimes and really wish I could be a kid again, just to be back at the cinema with her. The dark songs are those times, I guess. The baked potato songs are in the oven. |
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